“Bedtime Zinnia.” Silverscreech mewed seriously as she readjusted their moss bed. The fluffy orange she-kit pouted in response. “But I don't wanna. I want to stay up and play…” she whined. Silvercreech chuckled lightly at her daughter's defiance. “If you want to grow up to be a big and strong warrior for the clan, then you need your sleep.” She replied gently.
Zinnia thought over what her mom said and sighed in reply. Silvercreech tufted ears swiveled, piercing yellow gaze glancing at her kit as she trudged forward reluctantly to their nest. Waiting until her kit settled in, the white-gray striped she-cat curled herself around Zinnia protectively. Giving her kit a few swift licks atop her head, the shadowclan queen purred deeply and yawned. It had been a long day. On top of her best friend Briarfrost taking Aspenwood's side for being future leader instead of Ravenclaw's like she had, Silverscreech had been busy dealing with keeping her mind busy with warrior duties and figuring out how to make amends with her other 3 remaining kits.
“Night Zinnia.” She mewed softly, laying her head close to the ginger striped kits pelt. As Zinnia quickly fell to sleep, Silvercreech began to relax hearing her daughter's steady breathing. The sound was comforting somehow, and before she knew it, the shadowclan queen's breath steadily matched her daughter's.
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Laying on the forest floor, Silverscreech shifted uncomfortably. “Something isn't right…” she thought. Lifting her head, she opened her eyes, quickly realizing she wasn't in her warm nest anymore. Silverscreech glanced around, her tufted ears twitching as she observed the area.
The forest was gently light, as if the moonlight had been eternally set in the sky, a light mist surrounding the area, giving it a mystical air. She sat in a forest clearing, pine trees surrounding her. With closer observation, Silverscreech came to notice that the area was very similar to shadowclan. Pushing herself up off the cool ground, Silverscreech slowly began swiveling past some trees, following what seemed like a worn trail of sorts. As she continued, she finally came across a familiar structure. The old building that had partially collapsed on top of her many moons ago resulting in a leg injury. Thankfully with FearedJackal’s help, she had been able to get treated, despite the fact she didn't care to go into a clan. But as she spent time with the black and white tom after a moon of separation from their first couple of meetings, she decided to join the clan during that time. Unknown to her, she had to find out her parents' rather unpleasant past. Her own roots started in Shadowclan without her remembering any of it, until later on.
Her ears lowered, dwelling on the fact how stupid she had acted years ago about the information. Shaking her head, Silverscreech brows furrowed as she swiftly began turning away from the structure back towards where the camp would be. “Nothing to do but keep going.” She muttered to herself lowly. Silvercreech knew she couldn't allow her grief to overtake her anymore. She had been doing well this far. But allowing herself to dwell too long on anything involving FearedJackal was just gonna make the shadowclan queen fall apart. For they never got to truly make things right between each other.
Too many regrets stuck to the white-gray striped she-cat when it came to her mate. Silvercreech tried hard to bury the thoughts away from her mind. Not the memories of her mate specifically, but the guilt she had felt deep within her heart. However, it always kept invading her mind like a huge battle Silverscreech could not win. She knew FearedJackal deserved better from her as a mate. Their kits deserved better from her as a mother. Yet she had abandoned them all. Twice. And in the end it just ruined the relationships she could have had with them, then and now. All except for their forgiving kit Ferretfuzz.
Finally when she entered the area where the camp would be, Silverscreech found herself instead looking out where the lake met the territory. With her gray tufted ears plastered to her head, she hissed lowly in frustration. It seemed wherever she tried going, the path seemed to keep bringing her to where memories of her and FearedJackal laid. It was tugging at her heart, fear slowly creeping within her. Silverscreech felt like her own guilt was torturing her now in her dreams.
“WHY!?” Anger began swiftly rising, all the while remorse made its way to the surface. “Haven't I dealt with enough guilt!?” She felt her body tremble, her legs seemingly wanting to give out beneath her as she yelled out her woes. “As If i don't deal with the guilt and pain enough already, every single day I'm breathing! Just the looks and attitude my own kits have given me since I came back to the clan, kill me inside! I'm already paying enough for my mistakes!”
Silvercreech sat, her head lowered in shame as she spoke to herself. “I wish I was the one who had died that day by the bear…” her voice wavered. “FearedJackal would have been able to actually be there for our kits growing up back then.” She grew quiet for a few moments, sobbing. “I…couldn’t do it alone at the time...it…it hurt too much. To be there…” she thought back on the day their kits were born and smiled slightly, tears escaping her piercing yellow gaze as she stared at her paws. “I did dearly love them…and still do. I just wish…they understood that if I stayed…it wouldn't have mattered back then. When he died…a part of me did too. I couldn't function anymore.”